There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You need a sexual gate keeper
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
