TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize