go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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