Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Randomize
