just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
