Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
