The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
