Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Do vagina's smell?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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