My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize