i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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