I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
