He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
