So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
