you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so let's talk penis.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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