you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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