you mean i was at the winter classic?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
