I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
