I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
