Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
