Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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