You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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