i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
