he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
