Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
