More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
