R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize