Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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