I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
