Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
