Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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