Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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