remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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