Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
