easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
