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Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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