I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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