I am in a vortex of obligation.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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