You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
