there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
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