The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
