the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
