I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
