why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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