Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
