i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I hate all girls vehemently.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
