bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize