I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
