I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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