meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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