You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
