Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
