I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I bet he comes in French.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
