its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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