Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
