I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
